Chasing “There”

At sixty-five, I’m still wondering when I will arrive at there, that elusive place of contentment where everything finally settles into place, where life feels complete.

At times it has seemed close—just over the next hill, a few decisions away, a different chapter, a different city, a different version of myself.

And yet, I’m still here, not there.

I consider myself a mostly happy person with an incredibly fortunate life. Like most people, I’ve had my share of struggle and uncertainty, moments when things felt precarious and far less certain than they do now.

And now, here I am.

Sitting on my terrace in Portugal, the sun warming my skin, Estoril skies stretching wide and blue. It’s a life filled with beauty, stability, and love. A happy marriage. No fear of where the next meal will come from. And yes, still imperfections.

And yet, I feel the pull of there.

Of course, I understand intellectually that there is actually here. That contentment isn’t waiting at some future time or place. But the feeling lingers—that subtle sense that something just beyond where I am might offer more.

Am I simply restless? Does my curiosity, my love of movement and discovery, keep me quietly searching for a better, brighter version of life?

Or is this something we all carry?

The Psychology Behind “There”

Psychologists have studied this pattern for decades. It’s often described as hedonic adaptation, the human tendency to return to a relatively stable level of well-being, even after meaningful change.

Research suggests that a significant portion of our baseline experience is influenced by genetics, while the rest is shaped by habits, mindset, and environment. What’s striking is how quickly we adjust to improvements in our lives.

We arrive, and then it becomes normal.

Even meaningful milestones—marriage, financial stability, long-awaited success—tend to bring only a temporary lift. What once felt like there quietly becomes here, and before long, we begin looking ahead again.

When “There” Looks Like Someone Else’s Life

There’s another layer to this, one that feels especially relevant in a life shaped by social media, travel, and attainment.

Our sense of well-being is influenced not only by our own experiences, but by comparison—who we think others are and how we imagine they are living.

Research has shown that many people believe those around them are happier than they are. We look outward and assume that someone else has figured it out.

So there isn’t always a place.

Sometimes, it’s a person.
A life we scroll past.

A Subtle Reframe: Maybe Nothing Is Missing

For some, contentment comes naturally. Many people stay close to where they began and feel no pull to look beyond it. And then there are the rest of us.

I don’t look toward what’s over the next mountain because my life isn’t enough. I do it because I’m human. After all, isn’t it that quiet, persistent search for more that has driven explorers, inventors, and philosophers throughout history?

Curiosity, longing, and the desire for more—another landscape, a meaningful connection, an experience I’ve imagined—are not flaws to fix. They are part of what has carried me here.

And maybe there are still dreams I want to explore, or simply journeys I want to experience for their own sake.

But there is a difference.

There is a difference between moving toward something because we feel alive, and reaching for something because we feel incomplete. One is grounded in curiosity and openness. The other carries a sense of urgency, almost a need to grasp at something just out of reach.

One leads to thoughtful choices.

The other can take us somewhere we never intended to go.

What Actually Shapes a Life That Feels Good

There’s something reassuring in the research on well-being.

In positive psychology, what’s often called the Sustainable Happiness Model suggests that while some aspects of our experience are relatively fixed, a meaningful portion is shaped by what we do consistently—our intentional actions, habits, and mindset.

Research shows that behaviors such as regular movement, acts of kindness, and meaningful engagement are consistently linked to higher well-being. The same is true for cognitive habits like reframing situations more positively or pausing to notice what’s already good in our lives. Even the pursuit of meaningful goals and causes plays a role.

The common thread is intention.

Not everything we do has the same impact. The activities that most shape our experience are those we choose deliberately, those that align with who we are and what matters to us.

And this is where something interesting happens.

It helps explain why travel, for some of us, feels so essential.

Travel is, at its core, an intentional activity. It engages curiosity, challenges routine, and invites us into new experiences. Because it is varied and rarely repetitive, it doesn’t settle into the background as easily as everyday life does. It stays vivid. It keeps us present.

It isn’t just escape.

It’s engagement.

And perhaps that’s why it feels so alive.

Practicing “Here”

Building a life that feels grounded, even as we continue to explore, isn’t about eliminating the desire for more but about learning to live well and find contentment while that desire exists.

Some practices that may help:

Limit comparison
Be mindful of how often you measure your life against curated glimpses of others. Most of what we compare ourselves to isn’t real – it’s edited. Stepping back creates space to see our own lives more clearly.

Return to the mind and body
Meditation, movement, and stillness help bring us back to center. A quiet moment, a walk, or even a few deep breaths can shift your state. The goal is awareness.

Get back to nature
There’s something grounding about being outside that no screen can replicate. Walk by the sea, through a park, or anywhere you can notice the natural world, the scent of the air, the sound of birds, and the rhythm of waves.

Connect with others
Call a friend. Have a conversation without distraction. Meet someone for coffee or lunch, or even sit in a place where life is happening around you. We are wired for connection, and simply being around others can create a quiet sense of belonging.

Take stock of the seeking
Pause and ask yourself what you’re longing for, and why. Are you running from something, or moving toward something meaningful? Writing it down often brings clarity.

Make decisions from calm, not urgency
A restless mind wants immediate change. A grounded mind chooses with intention. Give yourself space before making decisions, especially the important ones.

Where I’m Landing

I’m beginning to see that I may never fully arrive at there.

And maybe I’m not supposed to.

Some part of me will always be curious, always looking ahead, always drawn to what’s next. The difference now is that I’m learning not to let that pull override what I already have.

I want to build a life that feels grounded, even as I continue to explore. To move forward with intention, not urgency. To recognize when I’m expanding, and when I’m simply chasing.

And maybe that’s enough.

Contentment creates stability.
Curiosity creates movement.
Together, they create a life that evolves without unraveling.

Sources & Research

• Lyubomirsky, S., Sheldon, K. M., & Schkade, D. (2005). Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change
• Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Gratitude and Well-Being
• Seligman, M. E. P. (1991). Learned Optimism
• Sheldon, K. M., & Houser-Marko, L. (2001). Self-Concordance Model
• Snyder, M., & Omoto, A. M. (2001). Volunteerism and Meaning

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